I began reliving some of the trauma of the last few months last night. I stood in the shower with my face buried in my hands wishing that I could have done some things differently, asking why I didn’t and remembering that my boss was watching me all. the. time.
Self preservation at its finest.
I have spent the last few months completely dead pan. I wasn’t allowed to grieve or be angry. I started crying one day, the week that I was fired and the Harpy chewed me out like I was a moron. She actually gets mad at me.
I have been spiraling this week. This week has been harder and I spend any spare minute where no one is watching me hyperventilating and trying to keep it together. I think I have been sweeping so much under the mental rug for so long that the rug is full and stuff is starting to spill out.
I ran away today. I grabbed the Harpy and took a day trip. We actually had fun and enjoyed the trip. I kept having breaking moments but I managed to contain them. But it was always there. Under the surface.
The Boy isn’t speaking to me today so I let him be. I hate feeling powerless but I think it’s all I’ve ever known. The job gave me some of my power back and I loved it. Now it’s gone and I feel caged again.
I made the mistake in checking my messages while I was away. I knew when I lost the job what certain people’s reactions would be. I wasn’t wrong. The One Who Wants To Be Old has reared her head. She has had the most ridiculous input and it got to the point that I let her be and stopped contacting her for a bit until I could be at a point where I wouldn’t scream at her.
She emailed me a few days ago saying she hasn’t heard from me in a month.
It’s been two fucking weeks. That is not unusual. I have actually had to have a talk with her once that I was in no way, shape or form going to sit at a computer all day waiting for her to email me so that I could respond. She had expected an email every hour. I had to break her from that.
I responded telling her that I really do have a lot going on and that I have not been in a good place and didn’t have anything to report other than I still haven’t found a job. I did promised to call her soon.
As I said, I made the mistake in checking my messages today. She has flipped the script into that she is sorry that she’s made me mad and that she really expected me to have more to do with her since I lost my job.
Are you fucking kidding me? I lose my job, am putting myself through emotional hell, have been honest with you about it and you expect me to babysit your grown ass? Are you fucking kidding me?
The email put me right back into the headspace I was in yesterday.
I am not responding today. I keep writing the reply in my head and it starts off with an apology every time but I have nothing to apologize for. I have to keep reminding myself of that. She is manipulating me because she is lonely and has tried really hard to force me into relationship roles that I am not going to fulfill for her. I am not her caregiver and I am not her child. I am not her mother and I am not her sister. She has alienated all of her friends in this way and now they have nothing to do with her and she wonders why.
I stopped and put myself into her shoes. She is lonely. Have I never felt lonely? Do I not get upset when certain friends don’t respond? Do I not miss the Boy when he fails to respond? Am I as clingy to these people as The One Who Wants To Be Old is to me? Maybe. Maybe it’s time for me to learn that particular lesson and stop coming off as needy.
But maybe it’s also time for me to start being more clear. I need time for ME to heal. She is not helping. Laura is not helping but yet I feel obligated to answer almost every time she calls throughout the day. She honestly gets mad if I don’t. When did I become this way? It isn’t selfless. It’s being manipulated in new ways. I feel guilty and that is not healthy. Why am I being held responsible for their happiness?
I plan on telling the One Who Wants To Be Old that I have needed space for me to deal with everything that I am going through and I expect her to respect that. That I appreciate her concern and that I will talk to her soon as I already promised.
Am I wrong?