She-beast

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I did so good yesterday!

I was strong and I forced myself to stay off all social media.  I had some much needed time alone where I put on my earphones and sat down to draw again.  

I wasn’t amazing of course.  My temper was short with the Harpy because she made me ill.  She makes decisions that makes my whole body cringe.

I was a she-beast yesterday.  I felt normal to an extent.  Meaning that the Boy hasn’t contacted me and I was absolutely over it.  I had reached a point of doneness.  

I’m a little more anxious today.  There are many factors as to why my anxiety will be higher today and I am going to try not to center that on the Boy’s existence.  Today will mark the longest period that he has been silent.  

I have no idea why this matters to me like it does.  I’m trying to remember a time when I used to be this way but my memory isn’t what it used to be.  But I need to be over this feeling.

Rise from the Ashes

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I think I’m finally coming out of the spiral.

 It was a rough one and every morning felt like I had cried all night even though I hadn’t. Dealing with my own depression and anxiety has been hard enough but when the Harpy is having panic attacks too and deflecting them on me…I almost kicked her out of my car last week.  I’m getting to a point where I am having a hard time dealing with it.  If I could, I would walk away.

I came to some hard realizations about the Boy.  It hurt and was a rough week but I feel stronger now.  He made me remember how much this relationship bs can hurt.  His texting has decreased again.  He went from blowing up all my social media as well as frequent texts (but he never called) to almost nothing.  The only times he really seems interested in a full conversation is when I have intel on our previous employer.  But I don’t have access to that information any more and I’ve been letting that place go and trying to move on.  So I don’t want to talk about the employers anymore.  It serves no purpose for me.  I still don’t understand why his ex girlfriend told me how to manage his mood swings.  That was such an odd conversation and I had no idea how to handle it.  But that, along with how he had been acting made me really think that there could possibly be something between us like I had hoped.

But he never calls, will ignore messages from me on whatever platform, his own texts have become sparse and has made no move to see me at all in almost three months.  I am not a priority anymore.  I was probably being used as an ego boost or for whatever info I possess.  

I’m not over doing it. I’m not engaging in text-vomit.  You know where you text a crazy amount of texts in a row and it’s overwhelming? Yeah I’m being good and not doing that.  I have tried to be cool and just be myself.  If I’m playful, he shuts down.  Then I’m second guessing myself and upset.  I am sure that I have overthought a lot of things (if not everything) and that is something I’m having to deal with.

I read an article written by a self-proclaimed narcissit male and he described his behavior of how to get a woman on the hook, why he does it and how he strings them along.  It resonated with this situation too much.  I cannot believe that I was swept up so easily but apparently I was.

What happened to me? What happened to the she-beast that roared and served up a platter of testicles for breakfast? It’s time for the bitch to come back.  I feel myself leaving that skin behind.  It no longer serves me.

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How am I supposed to heal when no one will leave me alone?

They aren’t even trying to make me feel better about anything.  They aren’t even just being chill and being my friend.  Instead everyone is heaping all their bullshit on me and sometimes I can’t breathe.

Laura calls me multiple times a day to bitch or feed into someone else’s drama.  The only reason I answer is because she has some super stressful things happening right now and she needs a friend too.  But I cringe everytime the phone rings.  She has taken to screaming at me lately and making little comments I’ve made all about her and it sets her off.  I wasn’t even talking about her but ok.  Maybe she needs to evaluate why what I said upset her.  

I finally called the One Who Wants to be Old and she kept tossing it at me with a little snide jab here and there that I haven’t been stuck up her ass like she wants me to be.  I reminded her that she actually never calls me and that the phone works both ways.  She said it was better for her if I’m the one who calls her.  Okay old lady.  You can expect a phone call once every two months.  I don’t have the energy for petty bullshit right now.

I don’t even want to get out of the bed most days.

Many cages

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I began reliving some of the trauma of the last few months last night.  I stood in the shower with my face buried in my hands wishing that I could have done some things differently, asking why I didn’t and remembering that my boss was watching me all. the. time.

Self preservation at its finest. 

I have spent the last few months completely dead pan.  I wasn’t allowed to grieve or be angry.  I started crying one day, the week that I was fired and the Harpy chewed me out like I was a moron.  She actually gets mad at me.

I have been spiraling this week.  This week has been harder and I spend any spare minute where no one is watching me hyperventilating and trying to keep it together.  I think I have been sweeping so much under the mental rug for so long that the rug is full and stuff is starting to spill out.

I ran away today.  I grabbed the Harpy and took a day trip.  We actually had fun and enjoyed the trip.  I kept having breaking moments but I managed to contain them.  But it was always there. Under the surface.

The Boy isn’t speaking to me today so I let him be.  I hate feeling powerless but I think it’s all I’ve ever known.  The job gave me some of my power back and I loved it.  Now it’s gone and I feel caged again.

I made the mistake in checking my messages while I was away.  I knew when I lost the job what certain people’s reactions would be.  I wasn’t wrong.  The One Who Wants To Be Old has reared her head.  She has had the most ridiculous input and it got to the point that I let her be and stopped contacting her for a bit until I could be at a point where I wouldn’t scream at her.

She emailed me a few days ago saying she hasn’t heard from me in a month.

It’s been two fucking weeks.  That is not unusual.  I have actually had to have a talk with her once that I was in no way, shape or form going to sit at a computer all day waiting for her to email me so that I could respond. She had expected an email every hour.  I had to break her from that.  

I responded telling her that I really do have a lot going on and that I have not been in a good place and didn’t have anything to report other than I still haven’t found a job.  I did promised to call her soon.

As I said, I made the mistake in checking my messages today.  She has flipped the script into that she is sorry that she’s made me mad and that she really expected me to have more to do with her since I lost my job.

Are you fucking kidding me? I lose my job, am putting myself through emotional hell, have been honest with you about it and you expect me to babysit your grown ass? Are you fucking kidding me?

The email put me right back into the headspace I was in yesterday.

I am not responding today.  I keep writing the reply in my head and it starts off with an apology every time but I have nothing to apologize for.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.  She is manipulating me because she is lonely and has tried really hard to force me into relationship roles that I am not going to fulfill for her.  I am not her caregiver and I am not her child.  I am not her mother and I am not her sister.  She has alienated all of her friends in this way and now they have nothing to do with her and she wonders why.

I stopped and put myself into her shoes.  She is lonely.  Have I never felt lonely? Do I not get upset when certain friends don’t respond? Do I not miss the Boy when he fails to respond? Am I as clingy to these people as The One Who Wants To Be Old is to me? Maybe.  Maybe it’s time for me to learn that particular lesson and stop coming off as needy.

But maybe it’s also time for me to start being more clear.  I need time for ME to heal.  She is not helping.  Laura is not helping but yet I feel obligated to answer almost every time she calls throughout the day.  She honestly gets mad if I don’t.  When did I become this way? It isn’t selfless.  It’s being manipulated in new ways.  I feel guilty and that is not healthy.  Why am I being held responsible for their happiness?

I plan on telling the One Who Wants To Be Old that I have needed space for me to deal with everything that I am going through and I expect her to respect that.  That I appreciate her concern and that I will talk to her soon as I already promised.

Am I wrong?

Falling Down A Well

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I’m still reeling.  

Today will have been about a month since I lost my job.  It’s one of those things where you feel like you have lost everything but you really haven’t.

Then why does it feel like I did?

Things happened the way we thought they would.  There were so many lies and accusations.  When it was my turn to be let go, the boss spent time building me up, insinuating that we should date, trying to get me to fight him over The Boy (several times), and then cutting me down despite every flaw he was pointing out was actually his fault.  Everything he tossed at me I threw back in his face…except when he tried to get me to fight him over The Boy.  The Boy was already gone and the boss took to making accusations that were unfounded and untrue about him.  All it boiled down to was he was jealous on several levels and wanted an excuse to fire me instead of calling it a layoff.

The Boy. *sigh* Another bullet to the chest.  It’s like in one fell swoop…I just….it’s like I’ve lost him too. 

We had gotten close.  Ever since the day that it was his Turn, we texted nonstop for hours. I think each of us were desperate to stay connected and maybe we were using each other to feel better.  He had a pattern: text nonstop morning till night Monday through Friday…dead silent on Saturdays and Sundays-don’t respond if I reach out.  Ok. Sure. Whatever.  Then Fridays are out.  Now Mondays.  Now it’s a single text once a day if even that.

What the hell? Was he my friend? Was he just my friend? Was he using me to boost his ego? Was he using me for intel and now that I can’t provide it, it’s over? Did I just imagine something that wasn’t there? Why DID his ex come to me months ago and tell me how to deal with his mood swings? Damn that was awkward.  I have never had that happen before. There are a lot of why’s with no answers.  I’m too chickenshit to ask.

It’s not just the rejection on this one.  I can handle more than this because I’ve done it.  But I can’t tolerate the idea of losing that connection altogether.  I said in a previous post that I felt too dependent on him and I never knew why.  I still don’t know why but it makes me hyperventilate.   My go-to is self-blame and I keep reminding myself that I’ve done nothing wrong.  There was one solitary run-in since His Turn and the way he looked at me…what was that? Aggravation? Disgust? Does he know me so little that he thought I’d create any kind of scene? To look at me in whatever way that was and then texting conversations died off after that….I rarely initiate a conversation now.  I still blame myself for allowing any of this to hurt me though.  And it does. 

The loss of the job has triggered a lot of issues that were already starting to surface again.  Depression and anxiety has hit me hard.  People have made sure that I know how hard this is on them and have tried to take control of my life.  So here I am, feeling like I fell down a well and there have actually been people just trying to force me into even shittier situations that will not only lead to no-where but will be a bullshit waste of time.  There has been a whole lot of panic attacks that weren’t mine (which means I had to manage them anyway) and displaced fears and emotions put on me.  The Harpy spent an entire day crying because she was convinced that I just got blackballed….it sourced from something that happened to her (that was completely unrelated to this situation) back over 30 years ago.

I’m low but thankfully I’m not on my rock bottom.

Laura still has her job in a place with the highest turnover rate in the country. She’s very proud of the fact that she still stands (as she should be) and has rubbed it in my face (not cool). 

Now that I don’t have a job, Laura is under the impression that I am free to talk to her on every single break she gets which sounds nice except that it’s usually to bitch directly at me now or to bitch about something.  She is becoming so malicious and jealous in her relationships with other people that I honestly do not like who she is turning into.  I can try to point it out but she only makes excuses.

I don’t always like who I am either and I know I don’t always handle every situation very well but I do try to learn from everything I see that I’ve done wrong.  

Physical stats, we haven’t done that in awhile.  I gained 10 lbs with the job which wasn’t the worst thing since sometimes I look like I’ve been sick for a long time (I know I have, but I don’t want to look like I have). My appetite right now is crazy. I stress eat but depression wipes out any appetite. So I’ve been losing weight again, which is fine because I’m tired of my thighs touching again.  I’m tired again all the time and I found out that I’ve been unintentionally feeding myself stuff I’m allergic to.  I’ve been falling asleep in yoga class and I’m at the point where I’m denying that I just don’t want to go right now.  But I make myself.  I have to do something that resembles normalcy. 

I think I’ve been back burnered. 

I overheard a conversation that left me jealous as all get out (long time since I’ve been actively jealous) and then in was clearly a fit of boosted ego, he was super playful.  Either that jolt to my system took the goggles off or he was really just in “I don’t care anymore” mood (maybe on his own version of ego high like I’ve been doing lately) but he was doing things that I cannot defend later.  But I thought he liked me…

As a result of the jealousy, I marched myself to the Hot Guy.  “You piss me off, I’ll go over here and mess up three lives dammit and you don’t even know them all…very effective right?  I was being self destructive and I knew/know it.  Why do I do this? I have got to stop doing that…doing something destructive when things don’t go my way.

The Hot Guy high is wearing thin.  It’s not giving me what I want at the moment.  His friend has been messaging me all weekend and while the conversation hasn’t been weird, the fact that his friend is messaging me when I wish it were someone else.  He’s nice, very nice…but I dunno.  I’m trying not to give any wrong signals.

A friend of my boss’ came in the other day day.  After a conversation about traveling, he invited me to him mom’s house for dinner and said goodbye by kissing me on top of my head.  What the hell?

My not-quite-boss basically shoved his face in my chest today.

All this has had my mind reeling.  It all goes back to self worth.  I am worth more than all of this.

It also makes me realize how far I’ve sunk.  I used to be crazy observant, always ALWAYS knew someone was coming up behind me no matter how quiet…not anymore at all.  I am physically weaker and I am legit afraid that if the time came, I wouldn’t be able to hit someone like I used to.

I am going to talk to a karate dojo tomorrow.  I have to get that part of me back.  I loved her.  She was strong, confident, observant and my A Game was crazy strong.  I never had to worry about being attacked because I knew I could take them.

Where did she go?

I just want to be numb

When does the hate go away?

Even on good days with the Harpy I just want her to shut up and go away.  There is no pleasing me right now.  Right now she is in a mood where I’m stupid and she knows more than me.

Nope.

You don’t.  You’re a dumbass that won’t get your head out of your ass long enough to listen to what I’m telling you.  She’s so stuck on herself that she doesn’t hear anything else.  She never has.

She honestly tries to tell me how to do my job.  SHE doesn’t even know how to do my job so it’s an absolute riot that she’s telling me what I can and cannot do in a place that has nothing to do with her.  She has to control everything that much.  That even extends towards my coworkers.  She literally bitches me out if she even thinks they are not doing something she thinks they should be.  Talk about a control freak!

I keep asking when I am going to be able to get out of this.  When will I be free? The answer that meets me is get yourself out of it. I’m trying but it looks impossible. I may be getting laid off in a month or so and I’m back at square one.  I won’t have a place to live, I won’t have even had this job a year and I’m still stuck.

I feel like I’m in a box.  Like I’m in this cramped little box and I’ve become so claustrophobic to the point where I am losing it and slamming my body against the walls.  I just want to be numb.

I think at this point if I actually had space to myself I’d freak out and huddle in a corner because I’m so used to having someone crammed up my ass every time I turn around. I don’t even have kids but it feels like I do.  

Yoga has become a struggle.  The Harpy is always wherever I am and she’s either on the phone (bitching) or she’s in my ear (bitching).  By the time she finally goes to bed I am flat out deliriously tired and crawling to get a shower.  

I feel like I’m in high school again because she has to know where I am and why I’m late.

I’m beginning to lie a little more frequently than I’d like.  But for fuck’s sake I’m old enough to be my own damn mother, she needs to back the hell out.

Why is it neccessary to tell me EVERY. DAMN. THING. your friends say about me? Why the hell would I care? My friends don’t like you at all but make nice and you are none the wiser because I don’t tell you what they say about you at all! What the fuck is your problem? I do not care that they think I’m a bitch, I think they are over-aged begging whores but whatever.

I just want to be numb.  Because I’m stuck and it feels impossible.

Self Medicating in Odd Ways

I don’t even know where to begin.  Nothing is new really.  I’m just really overwhelmed.  I feel like I’m just complaining, but in my mind I’m actually just cataloguing events.  Is that whining?

My favorite band came out with a new single.  It’s my happy place right now although it sounds like it’s about a heroin overdose.

The boss is acting like the Boy isn’t doing anything and it’s bleeding into all aspects of our responsibilities.  But the boss is lying.  The Boy is one of the hardest working people there.  I’m not just saying that because he’s my friend, I call things like I see them.

Today was my turn.  The boss has nit-picked so much that I am about to lose it and have a breakdown.  I pulled rank and refused another round of editing and sent it off anyway.  It was another minor change but dammit I had made that change three times already.  I was swamped, I had other things that were higher priority and that minor change needed to be let. the. fuck. go.  He was not happy today.  Now I’m eaten up in anxiety over it.  I was hoping he would just let it go but nope.

There is a new colleague who has actually been here for awhile.  I call him The Frat Boy.  He’s loud, wild and did I say loud? He tends to get familiar with you quickly.  I can’t decide if he is our salvation or working against us.  I know he’s tried to go head to head with the boss on a few occaisions when he saw what I was dealing with.  He thought he fixed the situation but then the boss snuck in with some last minute changes and now nothing is finished.  And everything needed to be sent off to the printers weeks ago.  I had the project all set up, the whole office loved it but the boss wanted something more “creative”.  Aka something equally as boring and much more time consuming.

I don’t know how I’m not crying.  I feel like it often.

I’m binging on coffee and chocolate. It’s affecting my stomach and I’ve been hugging the Mylanta bottle again.  It’s my way of self medicating.  I’ve gained 10lbs since starting this job and I keep telling myself that it’s going to get better.

I get no breaks.  No break from the insanity.

I actually had a day off where the Harpy wasn’t dragging me all over town.  I had to put my foot down because even when I have the day off, there is so much I need to do around the house but the Harpy has started going on weekly shopping trips saying she’s tired of being stuck in the house.  She’s gone a lot so I have no idea why she’s whining.  Well, on my glorious day off, admist all the cleaning I was doing, I got a text from the guy I kinda like…

I was a little excited.

It was short lived.

He was texting me just to bitch about work…knowing it was my day off.  There was nothing I could do about it and I always leave work stuff alone when he has a day off.  I had a nice little realization that this is not a guy I want.  The basis of our friendship is bitching.  That’s no good.

After work today, I wanted to do a little different type of self-medicating…I went to visit the Hot Guy.  Beautiful as ever! He’s still with the girlfriend but now, when the two of us are alone, he has started just spilling his guts about his girlfriend…making me promise not to tell her.  Hmmm.

I mean, I know what he’s doing.  He’s trying to throw in some sympathy cards so he can throw the whole “my girlfriend doesn’t understand me” thing.  Or just keep me on the hook.  I know what’s happening and I’m intrigued.  I go in to get…it’s like getting a high off of talking to him.  It’s addictive but I know it isn’t going to last long.  I mean, I don’t even really want to shag him at this point.  I just want him to flirt and make me feel better.

I realized today that I deserve better than what he is doing.  I am not a side piece! I am better than that. I want to be just as important to someone as they are to me.  I need a partner in life, not whatever he thinks I’m going to be.  

But the other side of me just wants to enjoy it.

I deserve more.  All the way around I deserve more.

I am not the glue to hold your pieces together

How am I supposed to hold everything together this time?

Things are strained at work to say the least.  The Downstairs crew (including myself) are all fearful of losing our jobs.  We’re fighting but as it stands, right now the boss is getting paid to keep us based on a grant.  The grant is up soon and we have all tried so hard.
The boss nit-picks everything I do to the point that I’m having trouble finishing assignments.

The Boy’s job has been butchered so much by the boss’s nit-picking/control issues that The Boy isn’t even fitting his job description any more.  The boss spends his spare time cutting The Boy down behind his back to the rest of is.  Then add on all the nit-picking I endure…it holds me up and that holds the boy up.

I see all this happening and I can’t fix it.  And that is so hard to swallow.

I dreamed of a big Turtle attacking a smaller turtle and I have to save them both.  I only managed to save the smaller one and woke up before I could get back to the big one.